New Year’s Jokes for Recruiters
WARMING UP THE CROWD/Photo: Michael Moffa
Political correctness, cross-cultural barriers to getting the point of a culture-bound joke and recession-induced angst have endangered the custom of joke telling. Once a staple of friendly conversation, as contributions to socializing, jokes have become as rare as dog-meat recipes, despite their time-tested effectiveness in lightening and brightening the mood.
So, to address this deficit, here are some New Year’s Eve jokes* for recruiters:
- Zen riddle: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
A woozy bar-stool drunk trying to applaud the New Year’s Eve band.
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- One struggling independent recruiter couple decided to innovatively drum up business by singing their inventory of resumes and job postings, instead of traditional Christmas carols, outside their neighbors’ homes on Xmas eve.
It was so successful that, on New Year’s Eve, they plan to sing their own variation on another traditional song.
“Auld Lang Sign Here”.
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- Why did the recruiter cross the road?
To recruit a chicken.
Why recruit the chicken?
He knew it would accept a poultry salary.
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- Too late to be registered as a candidate in the Iowa vote on January 3rd, a former registered-Republican recruiter has announced his intention to run as an independent candidate in the 2012 presidential election.
His galvanizing campaign slogan?
“Getting Americans back to looking for work”.
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- If the Mayan prophecy predicting the end of the world on December 21, 2012 is correct, how can you recruit anybody who knows about it?
Offer very generous re-signing bonuses.
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- It has been reported that Homeland Security is planning to expand security surveillance and searches in the new year, tasking specially-trained VIPER teams with canine support for that purpose. What can you do to assist them if they show up at one of your job fairs?
Offer to add waterboarding to your job interviews.
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- There’s a rumor that the BBC is planning to replace all of its news readers with professional job recruiters in the new year. The idea is that since the average recruiter is a skillful promoter who can read an entire resume in four seconds, they’ll pick up the pace and make even the bad news look good.
The only snag expected: It will be hard for them to resist presenting, like multiple candidates, multiple versions of the same story.
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- A recruiter and his divorce lawyer go into a neighborhood bar for a New Year’s Eve drink. The lawyer, lawyerishly pondering all the possibilities and unable to stop thinking like a lawyer for even a moment, says to the bartender, “I’ll take half of whatever my client gets.” The recruiter, mulling over how to counter, hems and haws, but, thinking like a recruiter, says, “If he’s buying, let me keep the tip for bringing him in.”
The bartender, realizing that he’s dealing with a couple of dithering tightwads, replies to the recruiter, “How about, like your lawyer, I bill you by the hour, rather than by the drink?”
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- An otherwise apparently healthy HR manager mysteriously collapses at his desk and suddenly finds himself at the Pearly Gates and before St. Peter, who, squinting through heavenly cloud and his bifocals, is flipping through and perusing a very thick registry. Stunned and confused, the recruiter exclaims, “What am I doing here? I can’t be dead. I’m only 35 years old!—healthy as a horse, and in my professional prime! Besides it’s Xmas Eve—how could you be so cruel?”
St. Peter, scanning an entry on an open page, says, “Well, it was a direct request from our colony of resident recruiters who, like you, passed on and have come here. It seems that somehow you were considered essential to their Xmas celebration up here.”
Mystified and frustrated, the HR manager exclaims, “How could an HR manager be so important for your celebrations? It’s Xmas, not a work day! Besides, I’m sure nobody works in Heaven, especially on Xmas! Why do they need an HR manager?”
St. Peter, wiping the enveloping heavenly mist from his glasses, squints at the page once again, and, suddenly looking a bit embarrassed, says, “Did you say ‘HR manager’?—Ooops. My bad. Actually, this says ‘HR manger’.”
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- A carful of recruiters is pulled over after driving erratically late New Year’s Eve. Obviously intoxicated, the driver manages to hand over his license. When the motorcycle cop asks him for the registration, he explains that he is the designated driver, not the owner.
“How can you be the designated driver if you’ve been drinking, sir?” asks the officer. The recruiter, still tipsy and a bit cheeky, proudly and professionally replies, “Delegated multi-tasking.”
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- A very aggressive go-getter recruiter positions himself in the business district on New Year’s Eve, trying to find new clients or candidates. he thrusts out his résumé as well-dressed professionals walk past and ambiguously shouts, “Résumé?”
One passing wit, who equally appreciates ambiguity, but not the recruiter’s pushy manner, quips, “No thanks. I already have one.”
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- Why are there more lawyer jokes than recruiter jokes?
Because everybody who contacts them hears back from lawyers.
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*If any joke seems lame, blame me, as the author.
Note: To continue the fun, feel free to post your own New Year’s Eve recruiter jokes (just so long as they won’t outrage anyone).