Why this guy will Never get a Wife…or an Employee

 I was apparently out of the office when this email from “the networking surgeon ” was making the rounds on the internet. It’s actually super hilarious and it’s possible I may print it out in scrolly font and frame it for the office. But I digress. Go read the post in its entirety so you can get a sense of what I’m about to do. Once you have, come back here…go on….seriously, I won’t paraphrase it for you. Okay, FINE, I will. But only to point out that while this email sent from a “professional networker” who “doesn’t need the money” and has “performed over 20,000 surgeries” is being mocked mercilessly by marketers, bloggers, major news media and more, it sounds exactly like the job ads many of us send out every day.

First there is the “setting expectations” part. You should definitely do this on your career page and even when you send an email to a potential candidate, but there is rarely a time when it should be your first contact. See, the rules of reaching out to someone entail that you woo him/her, not draw attention to the fact the person isn’t important, as this “professional networker/surgeon” did:

dear fellow networking event attendees, i was very late to last night’s event, so i only got to meet a small fraction of you guys (i tried to hurry, but you really can’t hurry-up surgery!) sorry about this mass email, but it’s more efficient on my end. i’m also kind of a “semi-professional networker” with 10,000 people in my gmail contacts list, 1,000 friends on my various FB accts (even though i don’t use FB myself), 1,000 followers on Twitter, and google will “auto populate” my name, so perhaps some of you “beginning” networkers will learn some tips of how i’m always trying to create a “win-win” (this skill set was stressed a lot when i got my MBA from NYU)

See how that is off-putting? If you plan on reaching out to candidates, even through something as impersonal as a job ad, please don’t put at the top how they can’t expect to hear from you or an obvious cut-and-paste job. Next up is the long, detailed explanation of what your company does, why you are the best at it, all the awards you’ve won and how amazing it would be if lowly little applicant person manages to make it through your hoops. When done properly, we call this employer branding.  When done badly, it’s just bragging, and shockingly, I bet you 99 percent of applicants scroll right past it. Let’s see a master in action shall we?

my situation is somewhat unusual in that i am the #1 surgeon of my type in the northeastern US by volume, and have performed nearly 20,000 procedures over the last 15 years, so i really don’t need additional income (which is the unusual part). i’m actually so successful that most of the reason i attend networking events these days is for personal networking, not business networking–i’m trying to meet the right woman to fall in love with, marry, and start a family with (i’m single, never married, and really want kids before i’m old!)

So the lesson here would be, when you are looking for an integral part of your team, perhaps address him/her as an integral part of the team, rather than an add-on that can be bolted to your success machine once the individual is good enough. Even if the recruiter, HR pro or hiring manager doesn’t have that attitude about the new position, someone might! Can you find the one person within your company who is thrilled to be getting a colleague, excited to be managing a new rep? Ask that person to round out the description so you can sell it.

i’ve hired some professional matchmakers over the years, with OK results (eg i’ve dated 2 of the matches for 6 months each, which is pretty good). the services vary enormously in quality and price (with an imperfect correlation). for example, doing the math (ie taking their fee and dividing by the number of introductions they made), i’ve paid between $100 and $1,000 per introduction (which is worth it to me, even on the high end, since i have an unusual time/$ preference, ie have more $ than time) clearly, i’m still trying to meet the right woman the “normal way” like out at events, or through dating websites (which is, shall i say, “normal-ish”).

So, let’s say you are looking for a third party recruiter or even a split on a job. Do you really think dissing your former partners is a good plan? People don’t want to work with someone who is obviously difficult and doesn’t appreciate prior efforts on your behalf. If you want to include in a job post or intro email your desire to work with recruiters, simply state that you will entertain offers or splits. If you do the following though, don’t expect people to trip over themselves to assist:

however, i do strongly feel that having as many sources as possible only increases the potential candidate pool, and increases my chances of meeting the right person (hence my offer to you) so if you (or any of your friends) like playing matchmaker, please read my preferences/parameters below and try to help me out. please send me the parameters and picture of the potential setup, so i can say if i’m interested, before you start introducing us (otherwise it’s kind of awkward then saying that i’m not interested). if interested, i’m offering the following “thank-you gifts” for your kind help:

• first date set up: $100 cash
• second date (with either same person, indicating a better match, or a 2nd person): +$200 or free latisse worth $300
• third date (again can be w same person): + $300 or free botox worth $500
• 4th date (w same or diff person): + $400 or free Juvederm injections worth $900
• 5th date (same conditions): + 500 cash or 1 eye free LASEK worth $2000:)

Kudos to this gentleman for very aptly describing his pay structure, that’s the high point we can take from this ad. Unfortunately, his grammar, spelling, capitalization and shorthand simply scream “amateur!” If you state how important this position is within the text, ensure you take the time to at least proof your words. All right, now we’re getting down to the good stuff. The job requirements!

this is what i am in general looking for.These are my Hard (Objective) Dating Parameters which are NOT Flexible:(this means I am only willing to pay for introductions if ALL these criteria are met)(if you want to set me up w someone missing 1 of these criteria, I may accept, but will not pay for that)

1. Age 27-35 (ideally 28-34)
2. No kids, wants kids in the next 1-2 years
3. College graduate, doesn’t have to be a great school, but needs to have finished the degree
4. Skinny (i.e. dress size 0-2, if you don’t know what that means (many men don’t) it means very skinny)
5. Caucasian (not black, not Hispanic, not Asian)
6. Healthy lifestyle (defined as no smoking, no drugs, good diet, no hard drinking,

These are things that I would ideally prefer, but don’t require (i.e. I am flexible about these criteria)

1. Christian (any denomination is fine, I’m Catholic but not very religious, prefer any religion over none, must be religiously tolerant, will not be compatible with someone who thinks everyone else is damned)
2. Graduate degree or very good undergraduate school (more compatible since I went to 3 Ivy League schools i.e. Dartmouth, Columbia & Harvard, as well as Emory and my MBA from NYU)
3. Spent significant time in another country other than the US (either born somewhere else or lived out of the US for a total of a 6 months or more, not on a vacation, doing something like school or work)
4. Spent significant time (>1 yr) living in a city of 1 million or more (so can live in NYC if moves here)
5. Likes animals and pets, particularly dogs (because I plan to have a dog for the rest of my life)

These are the Soft (Objective) Criteria I require, but are difficult to match (because they’re qualitative)

1. Attractive (like an 8 out of the 1-10 scale, 9-10 is actually bad as it comes with a lot of downside)
2. Nice, normal, sweet, kind, altruistic, selfless, not entitled, bitchy, materialistic, selfish, self-centered
3. Stylish, fashionable, polished, confident but not vain, superficial, overly concerned about looks
4. Hard-working, real career, full-time job (unless in graduate school), achievement-oriented
5. Highly functional Type B (not a Type A because too similar, not a Type B who can’t get stuff done)
6. Easy-going, sense of humor, doesn’t take life or things too seriously, gets along well with everyone
7. Good person, follows the Golden Rule, nice and kind to others, never does bad things because of values
8. Good family, good role models, ideally good nuclear family so can emulate good patterns of behavior

Does this look familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Whether you’ve looked for jobs in the past (you have) or spent your life recruiting (it’s possible) this grocery list of demands will seem eerily familiar. Now while no one thinks this is an appropriate approach to dating, it’s not really even okay when you’re looking for a candidate. I’ll put it in the simplest possible terms; if you want a marketing pro with 7-10 years tenure, an MBA and consumer good experience with marketing automation expertise, make sure you publish your salary, or at least a range, okay? Better yet, step back and really think through those requirements and figure out what you need.